Josh Zimmerman delves into first-time parenthood with a new column in STM

Imagine working as the personal assistant to a tyrant of a boss whose explosive mood swings are rivalled for intensity (and frequency) only by their bowel movements. For the first six weeks on the job, they refuse to even smile at you. And then when they finally do, it’s immediately followed by a burp and stream of projectile vomit. Welcome to parenthood. No doubt one day I’ll look back on the first few months of our daughter’s life and be filled with nothing but joy and happiness. Today is not that day. Let’s be honest: it would make for a pretty bloody boring column if it was. Luckily, I share this gig with an incredible wife – Jade – who frankly has copped far worse than me and will feature heavily in this space each week. Cleo Zimmerman was born shortly before midnight on October 7 last year. Up until that point, pretty much the entire show had rested squarely with my wife. No booze, no coffee, none of the good cheeses, progressively less sleep and on the day itself, nearly 24 hours’ worth of labour. My contribution was far more modest – three quarters of a book about what to expect during pregnancy, a two-day hypno-birthing course and a firmly bit tongue every time a new box of $80 ethically-sourced supplements/vitamins/probiotics arrived in the mailbox. That was a tradition I continued on the day of the birth itself. Jade’s waters broke just after midnight, followed immediately by the start of contractions. She spent the next seven hours in the lounge bouncing on a fit ball. I woke up, filed a story I knew had to run in the next day’s paper and went back to bed. The next morning – with contractions in full swing – we bundled everything into the car and departed for the family birthing centre at King Eddie’s. Five minutes into the drive I realised I’d forgotten some required paperwork, prompting a mad dash back home as Jade put the breathing techniques we’d learnt during that hypno-birthing course to good use. Then, five minutes into the second trip, I realised I’d forgotten the coconut water that was supposed to be keeping Jade’s electrolytes up. That one I kept to myself, spending the rest of the day silently praying it wasn’t asked for. It was – but, thankfully, only after Cleo had arrived. I’ll spare you the entire birth story but some rapid-fire takeaways: not everything is going to go exactly as planned, all the staff at King Eddie’s are angels and nothing compares to the moment you lay eyes on your kid for the first time. Also a quick definition of two words every expectant parent should know ahead of time: Meconium: baby’s first poo, although the fact it more closely resembles tar in both colour and consistency will have you thinking bub’s been drinking a carton of Jack Daniel’s stubbies and smoking a pack a day of Winnie Reds since conception. Colostrum: so-called “liquid gold” — the precursor to breast milk and often collected in tiny syringes. You’ll feel like you’ve burnt down an orphanage if you accidentally squirt half a mil onto the floor rather than into baby’s mouth. The next three nights were spent in hospital adjusting to life with a newborn, introducing Cleo to family and mastering the dark art of swaddling. Choosing to deliver through the family birth centre meant we weren’t planning on spending any time in hospital but looking back it was a godsend. There is so much the midwives teach you and, if you’re the non-birthing partner, they kick you out at 8pm — which means a full night’s sleep. Besides, as any new parent will tell you: the real fun doesn’t start until the baby gets home. TIPS FROM THE TRENCHES Entering labour educated and empowered ensures you can navigate every unexpected turn with calm confidence. A hypno-birthing course is an invaluable experience for both mother and her birthing partner. If breastfeeding, you’ll likely be tied to the couch for the first few weeks. Prepping lactation bliss balls in the freezer prior to birth ensures you’ll have quick snacks on hand with all of the milk-producing benefits. A pelvic health physio may assist in helping you avoid common discomforts and injuries during pregnancy, birth and postpartum.